Heart Smoothies
by Keitii Manga
Summary: Crack fic! :D Xemnas is crazy, we all knew that...but what was his REAL motive for stealing so many hearts? Well, you'll just have to bear my randomness to find out! xD


**Disclaimer: **I don't own KH. Duuuuh.

This is _so _not a one-shot. xD

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Prologue:

One day, Ansem the Wise decided to go to get himself a smoothie at Scrooge's shop. When he got there, Scrooge wouldn't sell him a smoothie, but instead tried to sell him a disgusting salt-flavored ice cream. It was repulsing, to say the least! Well, Ansem the Wise had had enough. He wasn't about to stop drinking his favorite smoothies just because an old senile duck that wasn't even from the same storyline as him stopped making it! He'd...he'd make it himself if he had to! He was Wise, right? He could figure out the secret ingredient! Eventually!

Well, eventually was right...he ended up putting so much into that dang smoothie recipe, that he made his own group, with scientists, and everything! Of course, they had no idea what they were looking for, although they thought they were studying strange specimens, of course, that was just a decoy! Those concoctions that they were making weren't what they thought they were...they were actually just doing Ansem's bidding. And those 'Ansem Reports'--those were the recipes to his smoothie creations that he had thrown out (obviously not expecting them to be found in his garbage by some weirdos.

Of course, they (the scientists) knew that Ansem had gone crazy...It wasn't that hard to figure out. I mean, come on, if someone payed you by throwing green balls at you, and telling you to go find new ingredients-like, say, light bulbs- you'd figure it out, right? Right. Xeanort was the first to realize this. That was the day Ansem called him in his office, pulled a Sweeney Todd, and literally ripped his heart from his chest. At that moment, somehow he knew. Ansem didn't eat the heart, though...no, not like a ninja...he instead, put in in the blender, along with a couple poupu leaves, of course, and pressed the 'BLEND' button. Ansem had done it! He had found the secret ingredient! It was the still beating heart of a scientist! He then called all the other scientists, and ripped their hearts out as well. He was so happy, that he decided he wanted to make a restaurant out of the deliciousness that was a Heart Smoothie! The whole world(s) should know! And so, our story begins...

Sigh

Sitting there in that big chair that was so high you had to jump to reach the floor was putting a toll on Axel.  
He was waiting there for Marluxia to give the orders for Xemnas...who was in his room, laughing maniacally. Like every other night.  
Because he's crazy.

Yeah, Axel knew. He had known ever since Ansem the Wise had ripped his heart out after he had ripped Xeanort's heart out. Of course, Xeanort never stopped being faithful to Ansem the Wise, like many tended to believe. Nah, he was just as crazy. Hard to believe, but it's true. He thought of Ansem the wise as a king, I suppose. He believed that Ansem wanted to use Xeanort to help him out, to kind of do his bidding by getting hearts for Ansem the Wise. Of course, Xeanort knew that Ansem was crazy, but that only made him crazy. Make since?

Didn't think so.

Well, anyway, Xeanort was very faithful to Ansem, even as a heartless, until one day Ansem decided that he didn't need Xeanort, and that he would open his smoothie shop himself. Xeanort was heart-broken (no pun intended), and decided that Ansem the Wise wasn't Ansem at all. This was an impostor! The real Ansem had fused inside of him, and had been there the whole time! Yes!

That explained it! Xeanort WAS Ansem!

So, he started calling himself that. That also affected his nobody. His nobody started calling himself Xemnas. He started being just as crazy as Xeanort--erm, Ansem.

So then when the other nobodies saw him like this, they couldn't help feeling sorry for him. Even the other scientists --there were 10 of them besides Axel's human-- felt so bad for the crazy fool, that they decided to help him.

At first, they wanted only to help him into a crazy home, but then after he built them a castle all by himself, they figured they owed him something. Most of them, Axel included, was about tired of it by then. Only a few, meaning mostly Marluxia and Siiax, really, were still felling completely obliged to helping Xemnas with his heart smoothies still. Axel secretly thought that it was because they actually liked heart smoothies.

Axel himself had never tried one. The only ones who really had tried one, were Marluxia, Siiax, Xemnas, and Roxas.  
Roxas was not a scientist, an in fact, he was the only one who wasn't. Xemnas found Roxas one day, and brought him here, giving him one of the millions of bedrooms in the castle. He said that the kid was now one of us, and his name was Roxas. Axel was the first one to accept Roxas into their...organization, Xemnas called it.  
Axel remembered the first time anyone had given a thought about the name of their group...

Everyone was sitting in their too-big chairs, most of them bored.

Lexaus stretched and then let out a yawn.

Demyx was nodding off, almost asleep.

Axel had his legs over the side of his chair, leaning his head back, his arms behind his head.

Larxene was glaring at Roxas, not fully accepting him yet.

Roxas couldn't take it anymore. He needed to say something.

Anything.

"So, uh..." Roxas mumbled breaking the silence, "What are we, anyhow?"

Everyone stared at him in confusion.

Roxas blushed from embarrassment, "Well, ya'know...I-I mean, what do we...call ourselves...?"

Xemnas seemed to understand. He put a finger to his chin, for once actually thinking.

Or, that's what it looked like, anyhow.

"Well, we are here to make smoothies, so we should call ourselves something that will scare people enough that they will hand their hearts over in surrender! Our name shall be 'The Smoothie Makers That Never Were'." Xemnas said each word slowly--so slowly that Demyx, who had woken up at Roxas's question, had fallen back asleep.

Everyone (besides Demyx) was now staring at Xemnas, blank expressions across their faces. Siiax was the first to speak.

"Um, Xemnas...as...scary...as that sounds, shouldn't we find something a little more...suited for what we are? I mean, there are 13 of us, and we are sort of a cult, right? Maybe we should be something a little more simple, is all I'm saying, like, for instance, 'Cult thirteen'?"

Xemnas seemed to think this over. "That is not true, Siiax. This is not a cult. This is a team. A team of scientists. We should be 'The Team of Scientists Who Will One Day Take Your Heart'. I like that better."

"Ah, but Xemnas, Sir, shouldn't we keep it a little simpler than that?" Siiax asked once again.

Xemnas was shaking his head in disapproval when Larxene spoke up, "Organization thirteen," was all she said, and then leaned back in her chair and rolled her eyes.

Xemnas's eyes lit up, "OOH, AND THEN TO BE SCARY, WE COULD PUT THIRTEEN IN ROMAN NUMERALS!!"

Once again, everyone stared, and then one by one, agreed.

Axel shook his head at the memory.

And then something occurred to him...

Axel looked around the room, seeing that nobody was there (again, no pun intended) and then looked down. '...How do I get down from here, anyway...?'

It was a very good question. After all, he was, like, two stories up in a chair. 'Talk about highchairs...' he scoffed at his crazy leader scientist, who put the seats that high in the first place.

Axel also realized that he didn't even remember getting up there. He scratched his head, and looked around once again. Suddenly, he saw a bird in the window that was only a few feet away from him. His eyes lit up, "Birdie! Come 'ere, birdie!" he cooed (no pun intended, once again), reaching out for it. It hopped away a few more feet, still on the window sill. He figured, if he just reached out a little more...

"WHOA...!" was all he got to say, before falling out of his too-high chair. Two stories down. ...On his head.

Marluxia then walked into the room, holding a note written from Xemnas, containing Axel's next assignment.

"I have your assignment here, Ax--" Marluxia had looked up at Axel's seat where he had been before, and he was gone. "Axel...?" just then, he heard a groan from what sounded like the floor underneath him. He jumped back, looking down.

Axel was lying on the ground where Marluxia had just been standing, a foot print on his face, eyes closed.

The thing that puzzled Marluxia the most, was not that Axel was on the floor, unconscious, but rather the expression on Axel's face. He hadn't seen an expression like that before...especially not on Axel, who always looked happy, or smug, or pained. Which, quite frankly, someone who looked like they had just fallen from a two-story...chair...should be in, right? Pain? But his expression was not any of these...It was more like...well...Marluxia didn't know what it was.  
It took a moment for Marluxia to compose himself, "Axel, get up. I have your instructions"  
Marluxia was interrupted then, by Axel, "SQUACK!!"

"Axel...?" Marluxia bent over to look more closely at his comrade.

All of a sudden Axel jumped up in the air, making Marluxia jump back a few feet, so as not to get hit. Axel was waving his arms in the air furiously, and started to run around in little circles, chanting.

Marluxia was taken aback by Axel's behavior. And what was he chanting, anyway...?

It was then that Marluxia realized what Axel was saying. H e was yelling 'squack' over and over. Marluxia seemed to remember seeing something like this somewhere before.  
Just then, something clicked in Marluxia's brain. Axel looked just like the bird he saw on the Animal Planet That Never Was! It all made since! Axel must have hit his head when he hit his head from falling!

Marluxia shook his head, and then tore the instructions in half. Axel would be doing no errands today...

The door opened then, once again, and a panicked voice rang through the big-chair-room from a hooded figure.

"HELP!!"

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Ooh, cliffie! Are ya gonna read some more of my crack fic? xD I'm a bored person, what can I say? I quite enjoy reviews...hint hint


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